Feel like typing this morning. Talking with my fingers. Usually I prefer to handwrite with my fountain pen in the mornings. Very therapeutic I find … a good way to corral “free radical” thoughts that could do damage if not captured and put away somewhere. This morning my computer seems the best place to do that.
This afternoon I’m taking my Dad – my stepfather technically, but really my Dad – to the hospital. He’s having a goiter removed tomorrow. The surgeon, who is one of the best in the country, is confident that while it’s a serious operation for a man in his late ‘70’s, it will go well.
I find myself worrying though. Trinidad is not known for setting the standard in health care and the tragic stories of needless losses abound. What I find curious though is that I’m entertaining these thoughts. You know, having them sit down for tea and listening to them go on and on about these unpleasant scenarios. Sometimes I really make me laugh – often in fact. After all of the education and experiences I have about the world around you occurring as a function of the beliefs that you hold, and that I get to choose what I believe, what I focus my thoughts on, I still find myself “triggered” into these kinds of thoughts and beliefs and hanging out with them, or “liming” with them as we say here in Trinidad.
It’s a good sign that I can laugh though. Because it shows that I have gotten that these thoughts only have power if I give it to them. It’s also a sign that I don’t blame myself for even having them. Right now I’m surrounded by conversations of doom and gloom. Some of them are world conversations about the economy, and many of them are local to Trinidad where the news culture is hyper-negative sensationalist. If the story is not about murder, government corruption, or tragedy it won’t make it to the front page, or even the papers at all.
I’m understandably very concerned about my Dad and for his health. I want him to go on living forever, and I know that in this existence, that is not possible. And I have fearful feelings that an innocent and simple procedure ends in tragedy. Wouldn’t be the first time – especially in Trinidad.
Writing this allows me to acknowledge that I have these feelings, and I expect, allows me to accept them and set them aside. In a way, I can accept them because they are a way of acknowledging how much I love my Dad, and how much I don’t want to break up the unity that is him and my Mother. They are so much a part of my life and I’m so grateful for having them in my life – that they chose to by my parents – especially him.
I can now entertain other thoughts, the ones that have a speedy recovery and return to vibrant health as their focus. Those other thoughts are right outside but I don’t have to lime with them.